What To Do When You're Stuck in Wonderland
by The-Daughter-of-Rome
Summary: Something is very wrong with the world. Reyna isn't supposed to have white hair. Jason's not supposed to have bunny ears. Leo doesn't wear funny hats. And why can't Frank stop smiling? T just in case. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BUTTERFLY OF THE DUSK!


**I have never written a crackfic before (at least, I don't think I have). So here's my best shot. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BUTTERFLY OF THE DUSK! I'm so sorry this is late, but... well, you know my reasons.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything in here. At all. Not Alice in Wonderland or PJO. **

* * *

Leo looked around, completely and utterly perplexed. "Am I dreaming or something?"

Beside him, Hazel and Frank also looked confused.

"I don't think you're dreaming," Frank said. "Not unless we're having the same dream. Which would be really, really weird."

Hazel was taking in the scene with huge eyes. "Okay… Somebody else take a look. Is that Reyna over there?" She pointed.

Leo looked over to where she was pointing. And had to do a double take. Because it _was _Reyna, except… not quite.

Reyna was wearing a white dress, like one a bride would wear to a wedding. Her long black hair was loose, rather than in its usual braid. And she was yelling at Jason animatedly. Which was definitely different—her usual style was to give someone she was mad at the silent treatment.

"Something is very, very wrong here," muttered Frank, eyes darting around suspiciously.

"I know, right?" Hazel commented. "Just look at what Jason's wearing."

Leo was about to ask what Jason's apparel had to do with anything, except then he noticed. And burst out laughing.

Jason was wearing a bright orange doublet, maroon breeches and bunny ears, and he was pushing Reyna away—he looked completely exasperated. As they watched, Reyna continued screaming at him.

"We should probably go help them," Hazel stated.

"Already on it," Frank said before transforming into a cat and racing away.

"Why a cat?" Leo asked.

Hazel shrugged and starting running after him.

Leo sighed. And started to walk.

Running was overrated.

* * *

"Will somebody _please _get this girl away from me?" demanded a very flustered Jason Grace.

Leo laughed. "Dude, what are you wearing?"

Jason gave him a blank look. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"For one thing," Hazel said, "you look like you're from the eighteenth century or something."

"For another," Frank added, "last time I checked, you weren't a bunny rabbit."

Jason huffed. "I'm a _hare, _not a bunny rabbit. Get your facts straight." He looked at Leo. "Hey, just a question… I thought Cheshire was supposed to be a _cat." _

"What?" Leo said blankly.

"You know, Cheshire over there." Jason pointed at Frank.

"I'm only a part-time cat," Frank responded.

"How strange," Jason said. He looked at Leo again. "And you, Hatter, I thought you were having an unbirthday party today."

"I… what?"

Reyna interrupted. "I don't know what's wrong with Jason; he doesn't know who he is anymore."

"Yes, I do," interjected Jason. "I'm the March Hare."

"No, you're not," Reyna said with an irritated sigh.

"March Hare? Isn't that from Alice in Wonderland?" Frank mused.

"You should know, Cheshire—you live in Wonderland. We all do," Jason stated.

"So if Frank's the Cheshire Cat, and Jason's the March Hare…then who's Alice?" Hazel wondered.

"Jason, what's going on?" Leo demanded.

"Who's Jason? I told you, I'm the March Hare."

"Why are you in a wedding dress?" Frank blurted out to Reyna.

"I have no idea," she said with a sigh. "But, you know, some things just are. Did you know that I'm a hundred and one years old?"

Hazel said, "I thought you're only fifteen."

The praetor's brow creased. "Hmm… you're right. I don't know why I said that."

As they watched, the color drained from her skin, leaving her chalky-complexioned.

"Are you all right, Reyna?" inquired Leo.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." She looked around. "Who are you again?"

"Wha—" Leo began, but was cut off by Jason.

"Don't you see? Hatter and Cheshire have come to visit us!" he said brightly.

"But I thought it was Hatter's unbirthday today," Reyna said. She frowned. "And I thought Cheshire was a cat."

"He is," Jason replied happily. "Except today he says he's only a part-time cat. I suppose he wanted to give being a person a try."

"I see." Reyna nodded. "And who's the lovely young girl?"

"I don't know, she hasn't properly introduced herself," Jason said.

"What's your name, darling?" Reyna asked.

"Hazel," Hazel answered. "Reyna, did you know that your hair is turning white?"

Indeed, it was. The praetor's jet-black hair was losing its color rapidly, going through different shades of gray (NOT FIFTY!) until it turned snow white.

"I beg your pardon?" Reyna said politely.

"Your hair is turning—oh, never mind. Now it's completely white."

Reyna laughed. "Of course it's white—I'm the White Queen. I would be missing the point if my hair was black, now wouldn't I, Hazel?"

"How did your hair change color in like five seconds?" Frank asked, amazed.

"Cheshire, Cheshire, Cheshire. My hair's always been this color. For the past hundred and one years!"

"Oooooookay…" Frank said, confused.

"How are you this fine day, Hatter?" Reyna asked Leo.

"Um…fine, I guess."

"Lovely hat as always, Hatter." She flashed him a nearly colorless smile—her lips were now a frost-white, tinted with only the slightest hint of pink.

"Thanks…? Wait. What? I'm not wearing a hat!"

Hazel started. "Um… you might want to check your head."

Leo's hand flew to his head, and he found that he was indeed wearing a hat. It was as tall as a top hat, with red and yellow stripes to boot—it looked like something a Dr. Seuss character might wear.

"What in Hades?" he said, incredulous. "I swear I wasn't wearing a hat a few minutes ago…"

Frank smiled, a super-wide grin that stretched across his face.

"Uh, you might not want to laugh at me, Cheshire," Leo said. "I think you're sprouting whiskers."

"What?" Still grinning, Frank touched his face. There _were _whiskers sprouting there.

"Could you quit grinning like that? It's freaking me out a bit," Leo commented.

Frank tried, but try as he might, he couldn't stop smiling. "Oh… oh gods." He started panicking and tried to pull down the corners of his mouth with his hands.

Except, his hands weren't human hands anymore. Black fur had sprouted on them, and they'd turned into cat paws.

Hazel was horrified.

Jason was delighted. "There now, that's more like you, Cheshire!"

"Well, now, could he have been any less like himself before?" Leo clapped a hand over his mouth as the words came out and tried to shut up, but his voice wasn't obeying him anymore. "He was already nothing like himself, and you can't be less than nothing."

"And, of course," Jason added, "it's always better to be more than nothing."

Hazel was officially freaking out. Within a matter of minutes, Reyna had turned into the White Queen, Frank had started turning into a creepy cat, and Leo had randomly gotten a hat.

And, of course, Jason was wearing bunny ears and calling himself the March Hare.

She needed to get help. And fast.

Before she turned into a crazy character too.

She started running away from them. She needed to find Annabeth and Percy—they'd know what to do.

"Nice meeting you, Hazel!" Jason yelled after her.

"No manners at all, that girl," remarked Reyna. "I wonder who brought her up?"

Frank had now fully turned into a cat (somehow, within the past few seconds). He grinned toothily. "Well, I liked her. She was nice."

Leo snorted. "She? Nice? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I thought she was rather rude. I mean, she made fun of March's clothes."

"I didn't mind," Jason said airily. "One can't be as sensitive as you, Hatter."

"Me? Sensitive? You take that back!"

"March didn't mean any harm," Reyna said quickly. "Did you, March?"

"Hmm. Did I?"

"Did you?" Leo demanded.

"Did I, did I not. She loves me, she loves me not. The things you can learn with daisy petals. Oh, I do love daisies!" With that, Jason/March Hare ran off over a hilltop in search of daisies.

"I'm going back to celebrate my unbirthday," Leo huffed, and stormed off into the woods.

Reyna sighed. "I suppose I'll go look after March. Maybe we can go visit the Queen of Hearts." She walked away in the same direction as Jason.

Frank was left all alone, still smiling creepily.

"I'm going to practice disappearing," he announced to the empty air, before beginning to vanish and reappear several times in a row.

* * *

Hazel ran and ran, spurred on by absolute panic. Eventually she came across a rather fast-moving river.

"Great. What am I supposed to do now?" she asked herself.

At that point, she heard voices.

"I told you that I didn't want to come out here and see the river," complained a familiar voice.

Annabeth!

Hazel spun around to see Annabeth and Percy walking side by side.

Well, not exactly Annabeth and Percy.

The two of them were clad in the kind of garb royalty war several centuries ago. Each wore a bright red cloak trimmed with white, and long robes in several shades of scarlet.

Annabeth wore a golden tiara, set with heart-shaped rubies. Percy wore a gold crown, also set with heart-shaped rubies.

"I'd order someone to cut off your head for this foolishness, except that I can't," huffed Annabeth.

"Now, now, dear—the fresh air will do you some good," Percy said gently.

"Do me some good? As though I wasn't good already!"

Percy sighed. "Now, now, we've been through this—you're perfect and beautiful the way you are, but sometimes you can be a bit harsh."

"Harsh? Off with your head!"

"I'm the king," he reminded her. "You can't order them to chop off my head."

"Fine, then off with _her _head," Annabeth snapped, pointing at Hazel.

"Annabeth? Annabeth! Are you all right?"

"Who is this Annabelle you speak of? I am the Queen of Hearts. And I do not allow lesser beings to converse with me."

Hazel gave up and turned to Percy imploringly. "Percy, please tell me you remember who you are."

Percy sighed again. "Of course I know who I am. I'm the King of Hearts. And I'm taking my lovely wife for a stroll near the lovely river."

"Percy…" Hazel was so frustrated, she could cry. How could she help her friends if they'd all gone bat guano loco?

"Off with her head, I say!" Annabeth shouted imperiously.

"Now, now, dear, she's just a young girl… and I daresay, she's new here and hasn't yet learned the rules."

Annabeth sniffed. "Fine. Just this once, I will pardon her."

"Thank you," Hazel said.

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" shrieked Annabeth. "SHE SPOKE DIRECTLY TO ME WITHOUT CURTSYING FIRST!"

Percy sighed yet again. "My dear, do you suppose you're overreacting just a little?"

"I NEVER OVERREACT!" Annabeth screeched. "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD TOO, FOR THAT MATTER!"

"My dear, just take a deep breath and calm down."

"I AM CALM!"

"… Is it that time of month again?" Percy inquired.

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?!"

"I'll take that as a yes," Percy sighed.

Hazel eyed the two of them warily. "I think you two need some serious marriage counseling."

"MARRIAGE COUNSELING? OF ALL THE MOST OFFENSIVE—" Annabeth launched into an extremely loud rant that went on for several minutes.

"My dear, please-"

"DESPICABLE, STUPID, FOOLISH, UNHELPFUL-"

"Dearest, sweetheart, please—"

"USELESS, IMPUDENT-"

"If you would just-"

"FOUL, VILE, RANK, PUTRID-"

"Please, calm yourself, then we can-"

"LOATHSOME, ABHORRENT, DISGUSTING, QUACK NOTIONS!"

"… Are you finished, my dear?"

Annabeth had stopped screaming, finally, and was now panting with a completely red face. She stood, quivering with rage, glowering at Hazel with the most hatred possible condensed into one look.

"My dear, the White Queen is here," Percy announced. "And she brought the March Hare."

Hazel face-palmed herself. Great, just what she needed—more crazies to join the party.

"Was this a bad time?" Reyna asked. "I'm sorry, I just missed you both."

"It has been a while," Percy agreed. "A whole thirty minutes, I believe."

"Thirty minutes?" Jason looked mortified. "I'm so sorry, Your Majesty! We wouldn't have stayed away this long if we'd known. Please, forgive us."

Percy waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, that's quite alright. Although, you _did _leave me without aid to calm my dear beautiful wife…"

Reyna ran over to Annabeth and hugged her. "Oh, dear Heart, how are you?"

Annabeth looked perplexed. "White?"

"Yes, Heart, it's me."

Suddenly, all the rage drained out of Annabeth, leaving her exhausted-looking. "I'm so glad you're here, White—His Majesty is driving me insane."

"I can imagine," Reyna said earnestly. "Do tell me all about it."

Meanwhile, Jason and Percy were hugging each other fiercely, as though they were close brothers who had been separated for a few decades.

Hazel was now positive, beyond a reasonable doubt, that they'd gone completely insane. Jason _never _hugged people like that—especially not other guys.

"I missed you so much, March," whispered Percy. "Please, never leave me alone with her again."

"I won't, I swear it. Never again."

At that moment, Frank/the Cheshire Cat appeared.

"Yay! I practiced disappearing!" he said delightedly.

"Cheshire!" Percy immediately released Jason and shoved him away, then ran to Frank and picked him up. He held him tightly. "My gods, Cheshire, it's been hours since I last saw you!"

"Only… one," wheezed out Frank.

Jason had pulled out a daisy from behind his ear (his human ear, not the bunny ears on his head) and started plucking petals. Each petal that fell fluttered away in the breeze.

Hazel wondered about his obsession with daisies.

"Have you met Hazel yet?" Reyna asked Annabeth.

"Hazel? Who's Hazel?"

"That nice young girl over there." Reyna smiled and pointed at Hazel.

"White, don't you know it's rude to point?" scolded Annabeth, though there was no real anger behind the rebuke.

"I'm sorry."

"What's wrong with all of you?" Hazel burst out.

Everyone fell silent and looked at her.

"Well, I know that the Hatter and March are rather insane," Frank offered.

"And my dear, beautiful… _lovely_ wife can be a bit temperamental at times," Percy added.

"What's wrong, Hazel dearest?" Reyna asked, her voice more gentle than Hazel had ever heard it.

"None of you remember who you really are!" Hazel exclaimed.

"We all know who we are, Miss Hazel," Jason said. "I'm the March Hare. And, as Cheshire said, I really am quite mad. But don't you know, all the best people are."

"No, Jason!" she cried. "You're the son of Jupiter, you're _not _a hare, and you don't use the word 'quite.' This isn't you."

Jason studied her closely, and for a moment Hazel thought she saw a flicker of reason in his blue eyes.

Then he said, "What's a Jupiter?" and all her hopes died away.

Hazel was becoming desperate now. She didn't want to start crying, but her eyes were tearing up anyway.

She didn't want to lose all her friends.

Hazel looked at Reyna. "You're the daughter of Bellona, and your hair is black, and you're only fifteen. Not a hundred and one." She turned to Annabeth. "And you—your name is Annabeth, and you're the smartest person I know, and you don't blow your top like that." She looked at Percy. "And Percy, you're not married to Annabeth _yet _and you don't say 'dear' and 'lovely' all the time and you don't wear ridiculous crowns."

Her voice was shaking by the time she got to Frank. "And you… Frank, you're not a cat, and you don't smile like that, and you're an amazing boyfriend and I really, really like you."

Frank shifted his paws and twitched his whiskers. "But I'm the Cheshire Cat. Frank is a dumb name."

"But… but that's your name!"

"What kind of name is Percy?" Percy said incredulously. "I think that Miss Hazel here is making up everything."

"I think I would've remembered if your name was Jason," Reyna said to Jason.

"But I'm the March Hare," Jason said.

"Exactly."

"I know!" Frank shouted suddenly. "Let's go visit Hatter! It's his unbirthday today!"

"WHAT IN THE WORLD IS AN UNBIRTHDAY?" Hazel demanded.

"The poor child doesn't know what an unbirthday is," Reyna whispered to Annabeth.

"What a dim, simple, pathetic, uneducated creature," Annabeth whispered back.

"An unbirthday is not your birthday," Jason explained happily.

"You have three hundred and sixty-four unbirthdays every year, but only one birthday," Percy chimed in.

"Oh," Hazel said. "Of course."

"It's all right, you'll learn quickly," Jason laughed. "Now, come on—let's go find Hatter."

* * *

Leo was sitting at a convenient table in the middle of the woods, laughing and talking to none other than the White Rabbit (aka a certain Piper McLean).

"I'm surprised, Rabbit," he said, adjusting his red-and-yellow-striped hat. "For once, you're not late."

"Well, you know," Piper said. She pulled out a pocket watch with one of her white-furred paws. "I finally got the old thing to start working right." Her right rabbit ear twitched. "Hmm… is it just me, or do you hear people coming?"

"It's probably March," Leo shrugged. "I haven't seen him for a long time. I wonder why?"

"HALLLLOOOO, HATTA!" came a call from the trees.

Leo started. "Could that possibly be His Majesty?"

"Stop yelling! Off with your head!" shrieked another voice.

"And his lovely wife the Queen of Hearts," added Piper.

"I'm sorry, Heart, but I'm afraid we can't cut off your husband's head. He_ is_ the king, after all," another voice stated apologetically.

"The White Queen? Why, I haven't seen her for a whole hour!" Leo exclaimed.

At that moment, the whole troop marched in.

"HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY, HATTER!" cheered Jason.

"March! Oh, March Hare! It's been so long!" Leo jumped up so quickly that his chair fell over behind him, and he raced to Jason. "I've been so lonely!"

Jason looked at Piper, and continued to stare, utterly transfixed. "Lonely? Lonely, with that beautiful rabbit?"

Piper blushed.

Annabeth screeched, "Off with her head! I'm the only beautiful one around here!"

Percy and Reyna hastily assured her that the White Rabbit wasn't beautiful at all compared to her, and that the March Hare was just infatuated with her because she was of a similar species to his.

Annabeth was mollified. "I'm still beautiful, then?"

"Absolutely ravishing," Reyna said immediately.

"I have never met another creature more lovely than you, my dear wife," Percy said.

"Thank you," Annabeth said graciously. She smoothed her crimson skirt. "Are you going to invite us to sit, Hatter?"

"That depends. Is the Hazel girl still with you?"

Hazel stepped forward. "Yes." Her eyes were sad and resigned; she'd finally accepted that all her friends were now odd lunatics.

Leo gestured. "Come here."

She walked towards him uneasily.

Leo grabbed her and gave her a kiss on the mouth. She jerked back, surprised.

"What on earth was that for?" Hazel demanded, flustered.

"I love daisies, don't you, March?" Leo answered delightedly.

"That doesn't answer my question!" Hazel shouted.

"Yes, you may all sit," Leo said.

"You're so _weird_," Hazel muttered under her breath.

"That's how things go in Wonderland!" sang Reyna, skipping to the table and pouring herself a cup of tea.

* * *

"That was a horrible story, Apollo," snapped Athena. "Hephaestus is ill, and he wanted a story featuring his son, and _that's _the story you give him?"

"I feel like two thousand times worse," groaned the bed-ridden god of blacksmiths.

Apollo crossed his arms defensively. "It was an awesome story, Athena!"

"It was missing some romance," interjected Aphrodite.

"And a good fight," Ares added.

"Why was my son the King of Hearts?" demanded Poseidon.

"And why was my son a hare?" Zeus asked, thoroughly perplexed.

"And what _is _this Wonderland that the Reyna girl spoke of?" Hades inquired.

Apollo sulked. "Like you guys could do better."

"Here's how it should have ended," Ares said.

* * *

Suddenly, Percy went crazy and strangled everybody to death. Then he stabbed himself in the chest and died. The end.

"That was worse, actually," Athena said. "And I didn't believe that was possible."

"I think it should have ended like this," Aphrodite exclaimed.

* * *

Reyna noticed Jason and Piper staring at each other, and she started to cry. She died of a broken heart right then and there, at the unbirthday party.

And so the White Queen passed a few days before her hundred and second birthday.

* * *

"That's so _dumb_," groaned Poseidon.

"Just admit defeat," Apollo said with a smirk.

"I don't understand the story…" Hades whined.

"Here, I'll tell it again…"

"NO!" all the gods except Hades yelled.

"Okay, fine, fine…"

* * *

**I'm sorry. I had to insert a little bit of Frazel and Hazeo in there... and Aphrodite's obsession with Jasper. **

**Haha.**

**Review? :D**

**Yeah, Dusk, this means you. Review it so I know that you got it. **


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